Worst meal ever. And I mean EVER.
This happened about 10 years ago at a restaurant in Akron, Ohio named Peking Tokyo.
As you might have guessed from the name, this place was a combination Japanese and Chinese restaurant. When you walked in the door, the hostess yelled out CHINESE OR JAPANESE at your party, and you had to answer as quickly as you could otherwise she would completely lose it and start pacing back and forth until you answered. I think she was OCD, but I really can't be sure from my brief encounters with her.
This restaurant was actually a good 20 minute drive from where we lived. The reason we went there was that back then (back then being mid 90s) the only Japanese restaurant within 100 miles (that wasn't in a mall food court) was this place. Now, the really funny part of all this was that the Peking side of the restaurant was always filled to the rafters and the Tokyo side was almost always deserted. I guessed back then it was because Japanese food was scary to the midwestern crowd.
Every time we went there, I asked to eat on the Peking side. Every time I was denied... except once. It was actually really good, but my parents just scolded me the entire time for eating stupid American Chinese greasy dog food. So that was the end of that.
The Tokyo side was actually a very good Japanese restaurant--up until I moved to California a few years ago I was unable to find another reliably good Japanese restaurant. Well, mostly reliable...
The worst meal ever happened on the Tokyo side.
The errors started right from the beginning when my father ordered a beer. The waitress disappeared for a good 15 minutes and came back with a Sprite. My father was all "Uh this not beer" and she scurried off again and came back with a Coke. At this point my father gave up on getting his beer and asked her to bring him some water. Five minutes later my dad had a pot of hot tea.
I'm going to say right now that at times I was convinced we were on Candid Camera or some other show like that, but unfortunately we weren't.
The waitress then took our orders. I ordered a tempura combo. I also ordered five or six kinds of nigiri sushi and specifically said NO WASABI (I despise artificial wasabi, which is what 99% of restaurants in the US serve). My parents both ordered a sashimi platter. Hopefully the incompetence of this waitress would be confined to the drink orders.
The first course was the customary bowls of miso soup. She walked up with three bowls on her tray and put them down. Except there was a problem: my mother's bowl had about five drops of soup in it. My mother pointed this out. The waitress looked at the bowl and said "Oh, sorry, I spill. Maybe pick up wrong bowl from another table. Sorry." AND THEN SHE JUST WALKED AWAY. My father and I were actually laughing out loud at this point (and we're both very grumpy, we NEVER laugh out loud) at just how ridiculously this was all turning out.
My mother was peeved about her soup and was scowling. My father goes "but she spill, it ok, or maybe pick up from other table... who know?" I thought my mother was going to slap him silly. Eventually my mother just reached over and took my soup, leaving me with the "oh, I spill" bowl. Now that it's my problem, I flagged down our waitress (who was doing a lot of walking around considering we were the only customers in the place) and asked her for a bowl of soup. She goes "One soup per dinner, one dollar extra bowl!" I'm all, uh, no, this was empty when you brought it. She goes "Oh, yes, I spill, I remember." AND WALKS AWAY AGAIN. Now my father and mother were laughing at me. Figures.
Then my nigiri sushi arrives. As you have probably correctly predicted, it's all wrong. Instead of the tuna and salmon that I ordered, I got octopus and some unidentifiable fish. I also smell some wasabi which is completely wrong. Lifting up a piece of mystery fish I found a LOG of wasabi, I'm talking the size of the crap you squeeze out of a Play Doh fun factory. I told the waitress that the sushi was wrong AND it had wasabi. She nodded at me and left, and came back with a bowl of wasabi. I handed her the entire order and told her I didn't want it. She says okay and walks away with it.
At this point the owner lady comes out asking me why I sent all that sushi back. I tell her the order is completely wrong down to the logs of wasabi that are sitting like timebombs in each piece. My parents try and tell her about the horrible service we are getting but she's not listening to a word (or she doesn't understand them). The owner lady scowls at me and says "Next time think before order." WHAT? Before I had a chance to throw my drink at her, she walked off.
At this point I was ready to walk out of the restaurant, but my parents told me not to be impatient(!) and to make it through the meal like a well behaved Asian kid. So we stayed.
Next up was my tempura combo. Or as interpreted on that day, beef teriyaki. I was just happy to get edible food so I downed it, not knowing whether I would see another morsel of food until we left.
She showed up a few minutes later with a sashimi platter that she put in front of my father. We were all impressed that she managed to get one of our orders correct. She looked at my mother and told her that her food was coming out next. Well if you think another sashimi platter was coming, you would be wrong. She comes back with California Roll, the one item in a sushi bar that an Asian wouldn't be caught dead eating. And not just a few pieces, but enough to feed about three people.
By this time even my parents were pissed off (my parents were rarely angry at anything except me). My father starts yelling at the waitress, and when the owner comes over to see what's wrong, starts giving her an earful too. The owner lady finally says "Ok, free dessert, ok?" and both of them run off.
???
Ten minutes later the waitress drops off a plate of lo mein on our table.
We. Seriously. Surrender.
My father asks for the check. The waitress comes back 15 minutes later with a check for, I kid you not: $1,815.00. He tells her it is wrong. She disappears and the owner lady has the check in her hand, with the $1,815.00 scratched out and $50.00 written in its place. Ok, this was the mid 90s, the meal would have been under $50.00 if it has been correctly served. My father tells her this is totes not going to work.
Dad: This meal horrible. Everything bad. No way we are pay fifty dollar.
Owner Lady: THIS YOUR BILL! I ALREADY DISCOUNT! ALREADY CHEAP!
Dad: I don't think so. This meal horrible. You should not charge.
Owner Lady: YOU EAT FOOD! YOU PAY! PAY FOR FOOD! IF NO EAT THEN NO PAY BUT YOU EAT!
Dad: I pay for sashimi but that it. Everything else wrong.
Owner Lady: WHY YOU SO CHEAP?!? OK YOU PAY TWENTY DOLLAR AND I NOT CALL POLICE!
Dad: Are you innard? (innard was his word for retarded)
Owner Lady: YOU PAY FOR DINNER. YOU PAY FOR DINNER! AND TIP TOO!
Dad: I'm give you twenty dollar. Then we leave.
Owner Lady: I DO YOU BIG FAVOR TWENTY DOLLAR. THAT A LOT OF FOOD. YOU STOLEN.
Dad: Just take money.
She took the money and ran off. We got up and started walking to the door, where we encountered owner lady again, standing there with a red box of Chinese cookies.
Owner Lady: APOLOGY COOKIE
Dad: Huh?
Owner Lady: THIS GIFT. YOU TAKE APOLOGY COOKIE.
Dad: We don't want. We leave.
Owner Lady: [now blocking our exit path] TAKE APOLOGY COOKIE FOR APOLOGY!
At this point my father and I pushed her aside and started walking out. When she put her hands on my mother and tried to stop her to take "apology cookie", I won't lie, I (nicely, I swear) put owner lady in a chair and told her not to get up, and that if she did, I would be calling the police and the food inspector. This finally shut her up.
Last year, I was wandering the local Chinese supermarket when I sighted an honest to goodness box of "apology cookie"... or at least the cookies that she called "apology cookie". They were pretty good. Nice and buttery.
