We went into this restaurant suspecting that it might be a total disaster. The Chomple team usually picks restaurants by consulting yelp.com. Once in a while we will find a restaurant that has obviously fake reviews. We first saw this disturbing trend regarding Guy Fieri's Exxon Valdez of a restaurant, Johnny Garlic's. The reviews for this temple of fail were 1-2 stars until a bunch of five star reviews showed up out of the blue. All of them were very short and none of the users had pictures or profiles. The best part was that none of those "reviewers" had any other reviews. Apparently they were so taken by the slop served at Johnny Garlic's that they took the time to register on Yelp to review only one restaurant, and never again return to the site. Yeah, right. One of these fake reviewers actually took the time to report me to Yelp for... get this... pointing out that their restaurant had a bunch of fake reviews.
This reminds me, I promised you guys I would put on a disguise and go back to that compost pile. I will do that soon...
In any case, Thai Chili has the same thing going on their Yelp reviews. Not as many as Johnny Garlic's, but it's the same MO.
As most of our readers know, I have a strange idea of what constitutes a good restaurant and what constitutes a bad one. In a corporate sense, one would describe my restaurant taste as using significantly nonstandard metrics.
The women in my life also have what one would call nonstandard metrics. Girlfriend Actual has the least nonstandard standards as far as I'm concerned, and my mother probably has the most skewed worldview when it comes to restaurants.
Because of this, I can't really think of a single restaurant I've ever eaten at where all three of us would theoretically agree one way or another.
As far as I'm concerned, I really don't care whether the restaurant is good or bad. It just has to be interesting. I hate boring restaurants and I despise mediocrity. As long as I leave a restaurant with a good blog post and a few entertaining stories, I don't really care.
The women are more discerning.
When it comes to Girlfriend Actual, she wants good service and bold flavors. Being anosmic, overly subtle flavors are lost on her.
And for my mother... well that's more complicated. Let me paraphrase her rules for "good restaurant". Forgive me for the engrish, but that's how she sounds in my head and I'm trying to be a good journalist:
MOTHER ACTUAL'S RULES FOR GOOD RESTAURANT:
- No good decor. If good decor then instead pay for food you pay for decor. You go eat to pay for food. If you want pay decor then go decorate your house. (Remember that most "good" restaurants in Southeast Asia are concrete enclosed dives packed to the gills with hungry people... there's no such thing as a restaurant that people actually go to where they will admit the food is mediocre but they still go anyway)
- No cheap food. You can eat rice and chicken at home. If you go outside eat should get something that cost money like shrimp. (Thai people always compare foods based on their unit worth to shrimp, I've never understood this)
- Thai food should be taste better than mine. Otherwise just pay me to cook for you.
Now, before you ask, Mother Actual was not with us at the restaurant. But having eaten at countless restaurants with her, I have sort of an internal Virtual Mother Actual that critiques restaurants real time as I dine. It's pretty funny or pretty disturbing, depending on how you choose to look at it.
The Decor
Me: This is the interior. Nice space... looks like every other neo-Asian restaurant in California. But I'm not going to fault them for decorating
Girlfriend Actual: This is comfortable. The tables aren't cram packed in like some Asian restaurants. The decor is cute.
Virtual Mother Actual: You see? They spend money at decor store and charge stupid price for Thai food. This is Thai restaurant. I feel like we are eating Ikea. Also is very dark in here. You pay extra to eat in Ikea cave. If this place is own by Thai they are living America too long.
The tom yum soup
Me: This is disgusting. Tom yum should be sour and spicy and this is neither. It tastes like hot water with a little bit of chili flake and water thrown it. If you rinse out a pot that you've used to make a proper tom yum, it might taste like this. Foul. I had one bite.
Actual: Um, I don't like tom yum but I super don't like this. It doesn't taste like anything. They've even managed to make the tofu taste more bland than normal.
VMA: [insert Thai swear words] This horrible. You know, when he's kid, Yod call this soup "Wake up soup" because the soup have such big flavor. This soup I think make from water and grease. Maybe call "Go to sleep soup" or something. Is strange they are serve tom yum, everyone know that white people only want to eat tom kha gai soup make with coconut milk. I bet they too cheap to using coconut milk, so they just make tom yum, except they are so cheap so no spice, so I call this Thai water soup. When we leave I will yelling at Yod for pay money to eat here.
The Potstickers
Me: roflcopterz they are serving Chinese style potstickers at a Thai restaurant. Guess they're too lazy to make Thai kanom jeeb. WOW they are bland. Obviously made in-house, no company would mass produce dumplings this bland and be able to stay in business.
Actual: Yay potstickers! Wait, these suck. Ewww.
Work: They even managed to mess up the dipping sauce. That's just ridiculous.
VMA: Ever since he was teenager I tell Yod to meet nice Thai girl for wife. He never meet Thai girl, not even Asia girl, always white girl. Maybe he wanting to eat hamburger for the rest of his life. So I laughing when he complain that his girlfriend order potsticker everywhere. White people don't know different kind of Asia, they just think all look same and have same food. Potsticker is like order chicken finger at every restaurant. Is so sad, Thai people have their own kind of dumpling, but this place do not serving. Also no flavor, it tasting like eat plain rice. This food is so bad. I think they needing Gordon Ramsays television person to yell at their kitchen.
Yellow curry with chicken
Work Girlfriend: Here, I arranged it all nice for your picture. Let me taste it... omg... this sucks. It doesn't taste like anything. I ordered this mild but it's actually really spicy, but that's the only flavor. This is just spicy yellow water, no coconut either, which is why it's so watery and bland.
Actual: That's seriously disgusting. It's almost as bad as mine.
Me: Maybe they think yellow food coloring has its own flavor?
VMA: No way there is Thai people in the kitchen. Is not possible to make a yellow curry with no flavor and no smell. It taste like nothing. Just water curry. You know, if Yod follow direction and marry nice Thai girl, she can make good yellow curry and he is not pay ten dollar for bad curry like this. I try to tell him...
Me: Girlfriend Actual makes better yellow curry than you do, mother.
VMA: Ok, but she have career instead of make you curry all the time. Then you have to pay for yellow water curry at bad pretend Thai restaurant.
Me: That's not a wife, that's a servant.
VMA: Yes... you right. Even servant can cook better curry than this place that you pay for decor.
Me: Um, that's not...
VMA: Next dish, please. I want to see what else disgusting you waste money on eat.
Green curry with pork
Actual: This is disgusting. The pork is so overcooked it's like jerky. Even Ebby wouldn't be able to chew through this.
Work: That's gross.
Me: It's very bland. What flavor is there, isn't very good.
Actual: I can't eat this anymore. It actually tastes like I vomited in my mouth.
VMA: Good job, son. You pay money to eat somewhere tasting throw up. If you want to taste throw up you can eat Mack Donald and then throw out and taste same. Is cheaper. This is not good Thai restaurant. You pay for Ikea decor and then pay for eat throw up. This must be new American restaurant concept. I bring you somewhere look nice and then you throw up. Then you pay me and I very happy. Maybe I opening this throw up restaurant, you can come spend money on mom's new business. I call "Mom's Throw Up Thai". At least I know you will come eat and throw up every day.
Panang curry with beef
Me: No surprises here. Overcooked beef and the curry is so bland I can't taste a hint of peanut. Considering peanuts are a huge part of a normal panang, that's really disturbing. Oh, and this is what I would consider "Medium Hot" even though I ordered it mild. Maybe when I said mild they thought I meant mild flavor instead of mild heat. I ate maybe 4 bites of this.
Actual: That's like a big bowl of nothing.
Work: That doesn't taste like anything.
VMA: Of course my son order something with peanut. In America everyone thinking if peanut then must be Thai. But peanut very small part of Thai food. But white people eat the same Thai dish like pad thai and satay, and they having peanut, so white people always assume Thai is have peanut. Anyway, this curry have no flavor like everything else. This restaurant, I think they make you choice, do you want no flavor or you want throw up flavor. They should just ask when you are order. "Bland or Throw up?"
This place is called Thai Chili and it's in Rocklin. I'm not giving you the address or the number because I want any of you to go there. I just need to make sure that people googling the restaurant see this review.
And I rarely post bad reviews on here period, as I prefer to feature places you will actually want to go. And I'm rarely this harsh. But this place was horrible, and the clearly fake reviews they have on Yelp really piss me the f*ck off.
Thai Chili Restaurant
2164 Sunset Blvd
Rocklin, CA 95765
(916) 780-6555
VMA: You doctor or engineer yet?
Me: No. I work in business process reengineering.
VMA: No real job and like to eat at throw up restaurant!
Me: I'm turning you off for a while...
