So a bunch of you have noticed that I haven't been posting as much lately. Other than the fact that I haven't had very many interesting meals lately, it's mainly because I've been working on the Chomple book! Ok, it's not really the Chomple book, or at least it's not going to be called that. It will have a witty title, that's for sure.
The book is a food book masquerading as my memoirs. Or maybe it's my memoirs masquerading as a food book. Either way, it sounds like my food blog, but if I decided one day that I was going to go on for hours and hours about random stuffstuff.
Although I don't have any completed chapters to share with you yet (that I consider completed anyway) the outline is pretty set. About 8 of the chapters are nearing completion, so there's a lot to go. I'm pasting it below, along with a brief blurb about what each one is about...
And I know a lot of you out there are writers and editors, so if you think I should reorder these from their quasi-chronological quasi-decreasing level of bitterness order, let me know.
- Full Speed Blogger- I get chased through the streets of Dallas by a Chinese waitress that wants her 15% tip
- The Greedy Nibble- Where I discuss how I became so selfish about food, mainly because my mother thought "nibble" meant "hugest bite possible" and I decided she was a selfish, rotten woman and that I needed to protect my food, also about how I feel Buddhists are just as selfish as everyone else, but just more pretentious about denying it.
- The Pizza Phoenix Rises- Incident where I dropped a pizza box on the ground and my father thought it was ruined even though I dropped it straight down and it didn't open. Long discussion about my parents' long-term apparent disconnection with reality.
- I Have Tree Trees- Relearning how to speak English once I entered school. Realizing what all the other kids are eating
- Apple Thief- I steal an apple during a tour of an apple orchard/processing plant. Discussion about the state of this nation's food distribution system.
- Ong-Bonk the Thai Hyperactive Monkey- I get turned off to sweets and stimulants forever after having to deal with a family friend's child.
- Life With Snorks- How Asians of every tribe banded together as a community in a sea of Wonder Bread (literally, the Wonder Bread factory was right there).
- Cafeteria Maven- Why do I love cafeteria food so much, when I hate other crappy food so severely? Also a long rant on the worthlessness of most public schools.
- Well, the Flavor is Done- Finding out meat tastes good after trying steak that's not well done. Long bitchfest about how much I hate well-done meat and how people who order it should be given a pair of Keds and some ketchup
- Disgustingness Bell Curve- Why American food sacrifices eye-opening moments in the name of avoiding vomit-inducing ones. How the cuisines with the best food also have the worst food. Talking about the two times that food caused me to immediately vomit upon ingestion, both Thai and both cooked by my mother.
- Ramen World Tour- My extensive travels with my family as a child, and all the ramen I ate because they were cheapskates.
- Buffet of Blah- I learn about how American families eat dinner by eating at my friends' houses, coming to the sad realization that maybe all food tastes boring, just in a different way.
- Burning Dollars to Save Pennies- Serving spoiled/bug infested food, buying up the reduced for expiration rack at the supermarket, feeding your child nothing but spinach soup for a week. These are the crimes of my cheapskate mother, who once bought three coats in one day for the hell of it.
- Cylindrical Postcards- I become addicted to canned food, which is the only way I get to taste things from other cultures. I start a graveyard of empty food cans in my basement to hide the evidence of food sins from my mother. (this is the infamous Chef Boyardee chapter)
- In the Company of Asians- My mother throws awesome dinner parties and everyone assumes she's a great cook. They didn't have to eat the 12 disasters that came before the good version. Discussion about the funny/scary things Asians really think and say to each other when not in public. Relate how my friend Cara told me our collective Asian parents will gang up and hunt me down for publishing this chapter.
- It Do the Best!- I realize that despite being a brilliant engineer, my father has a rather narrow worldview. Talking about the time I see him walking back and forth with his camera that has a zoom lens; when I tell him to use the zoom lens, he says he is. Figure out he has no idea what a zoom lens does. When I ask him what it does, he says "It do the best!". Discussion about my parents' "engrish" and language problems in general.
- It Try Do the Best- Mulling over that my parents really did mean well, they just were crazy.
- You Can't Eat the Lampshades- A long meandering trip through the dining habits of my parents. Avoiding places with nice decor and service because they don't want to pay for either. My father ordering the most boring dish on the menu in case my mother orders something inedible and she needs a backup plate (which happened often).
- You've Been To Cleveland?- I start to realize there's more to life than cow manure and frozen dinners
- Only Evil Tamales Come From a Jar- Ohio is a cultural wasteland with crappy food. I find tamales and love them. Later in life, Mexicans mock me. I realize I wasted the first 18 years of my life in cultural hell .
- Made With Love and Propane- Discovering the South as I attend college in North Carolina.
- Just Call Me Rachael Ray- I learn to eat for a dollar a day on the streets of Southeast Asia.
- That's Princess Boring to You!- I have a relationship with a high-class woman that has the palate of a saltine.
- You want Baby Back Ribs, Boy?- The chain-restaurant and passive-aggressive racism capital of the world: Dallas, Texas.
- Put the Peanut Down- Meeting my girlfriend and resetting her expectations of Thai food. Discussion of where Thai restaurants go wrong. General grousing about how all Thai-American dishes contain peanuts.
- The Smell is a Liar- Discovering my girlfriend is anosmic (no sense of smell). Finding out how many foods actually don't taste good and use smell to cover it up. Thinking back to all the times that my mother ruined a dish adding onions or foul-smelling aromatic herbs saying "this for smell".
- Californiyum- California is amazing, and Californians have been here too long to realize just how good they have it. Reprogramming my girlfriend to realize what life in the rest of the US is like. Wondering whether my parents are guilty of child abuse for choosing to raise their son in Ohio.
- Have Green Card, Will Infuriate- Why is it that if a restaurant is owned by foreigners, the likelihood of them messing up and then treating you like crap for their mistake is increased 1000%?
- Welcome to My Shack- Understanding roadfood.
- Crowdsourcing Yod- Learning to trust aggregate online reviews. Starting a food blog.
- That's Mister Food Blogger to You!- Realizing I actually have power.
