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Cake Sister on Cakes: Tips & Tricks

Composed, edited, photographed, photochopped and blearily peered at by Cake Sister

As many readers of Chomple.com are likely aware, I am Cake Sister, actual sister of Actual Girlfriend, and a former professional baker turned architect (Please note that I'm not actually a licensed architect and cannot legally call myself one, so to be technical I work in the field of architecture at an architecture firm doing architecture stuff. Oh and I'm a LEED AP, too. Woot! But I digress...). 

I really enjoy baking. I enjoy it more than cooking, which I have been told I'm not too shabby at either. If I had to choose only one, It would be baking. I find it easy and fun.

I understand, however, that baking is not such an easy thing for many folks, so I thought I'd share some of the tips and tricks of making baking easier that I've learned over the years so your next cake making adventure might be more successful.

First, let me begin by telling you that I do not make all my cakes from scratch. Yes, it's true: I do occasionally use a box cake mix. And for good reason too: they take all the guesswork out of the "right" recipe for some cake.

I do make many cakes from scratch but I have to use The Scientific Method to figure out which recipes work best with what fillings, what the best frosting is, how can I change the recipe to make it my own, etc. For instance, there was a cake tasting with four variations of a Mimosa Cake. The exercise was arduous, required note-taking, trial and error, success and failure, and ultimately taste-testers to tell me whether or not the cakes are even worth the effort. What a chore!

There is an easier way: a box cake.

Making a box cake is fairly simplistic: mix, water, oil, eggs, oven. However, it is not exactly "easy" per se. There are some tricky steps that if not executed correctly can result in a disasterously yucky cake.

Today I will explain how to make a red velvet cake (courtesy of Duncan Hines) with from-scratch cream cheese frosting.

Tip 1: Always select a cake mix that mentions it is "super moist" or that it has pudding in the mix. This will lessen the likelihood of a dry cake.

To begin, clean and prepare your work area, and wash your hands. Yes, really, I have to say this because some folks just don't realize that a trashed work area doesn't allow you to concentrate on your cake making efforts. Also, who wants the threat of day-old spaghetti looming over an open bowl of frosting to ruin the experience.

Next prepare your mise en place (pronounced meez on plahs), which is a fancy French term meaning "put in place". This means get out all your ingredients and measure them out, setting them aside for incorporation later. Also, get together whatever tools or utensils you might need: mixer, rubber spatula, etc. This crutial step assures that you will not miss an ingredient and that you won't delay some time sensitive step by being ill-prepared.

Now generously grease (with shortening, the plain white stuff) the bottoms only of two 8-inch, straight side aluminum pans. Why just the bottoms you ask? Well because if the sides are greased then the cake cannot use them to cling to and crawl up for a more even rising during baking. If you grease the sides you tend to get high crowned cakes with low sides. (By the way, these are professional-grade pans and make the final cake assembly much easier as the sides will all line up with one another. If you want to know whether or not your pans have straight sides, try nesting them together. If they do not fit inside each other, then they are straight sides. If you want to find some, check out Michael's wedding/cake section, Amazon.com, or, if you're in Sacramento, hit Cake Castle for some awesome goods!)

Oh, and preheat your oven per the box mix directions.

Tip 2: Clean, prepare, pre-grease, preheat.

Now how about some pictures already!

So let's get to making a cake!

Tip 3: Put your wet ingredients into the bowl first.This reduces the chances of dry mix clumped at the bottom of the bowl and not getting incorporated properly.

Tip 4: Crack your eggs into a separate clear container to remove any shell bits and/or check for bad eggs.

 

Add in the dry cake mix and beat on low speed for about 30 seconds to get everything moistened. If you turn on the mixer too high you will be showered lovingly by cake dust and likely be pretty miffed about it, too.

After the bowl is looking all kinds of liquid, turn up the mixer to medium for about 2 minutes. You can optionally stop the mixer, scrape the bowl, and then go for the 2 minute medium. By putting in the wet ingredients first you kind of negate the need to do so, but it is good practice to scrape, especially you who are beginners.

Here's an action shot for you mixin' lovin' folks!

When it's all mixed, time to fill the prepared pans.

Tip 5: Use a scale or measuring cups to equally distribute batter into pans. "Eyeballing" will get you uneven layers every time.

Now move your filled pans to your preheated oven, placing them on a single center rack spaced about 2 inches apart, one on the left and one on the right.

Now some basic math:

• Close the door and look at the cake box
• Find the size of the cake you're making and see what it says for time
• subtract 5 minutes
• divide the remaining time in half
• set a timer for that amount of time
• when the timer goes off, carefully swap the cakes in the oven so that if the right side of the right one was by the oven wall it should now be on the left and that same side should be in the middle. This allows for even baking, even in the most persnickety ovens.
• set a time for the same amount of time you did earlier. (1/2 [full time less 5 minutes])

Layman speak: If the box says bake it 35-38 minutes, expect to check it first at 30 minutes. And, bake your layers for 15 minutes, swap sides, and bake for 15 more.

Tip 6: Always subtract 5 minutes off the time given on the box (actually this is a good rule for any cake recipe) to start checking for doneness.

Prepare your area for cake removal from the oven:

Wait. A tea towel. Why? I get the oven mitts (which are hella - hey I'm from norcal, I can say it - cute and I got them at Crate & Barrel for my birthday last year. Thanks Actual!) and the cake testing equipment, and even the cooling rack. But a towel?

To which I answer: Patience my young Padawan. You will learn.

*Ding*, or in my house my timer sounds like Mario collecting coins in Super Mario Brothers. Anyway, time to check the cakes. Employ the skewers!!!

Open oven, pull out rack o' pans. Poke the centers and check. The skewers should not be covered with wet batter, neither should they be dry. A clean skewer means the cake is overdone. That is the myth of the box cake directions: remove when cake tester comes out clean. You see any cake can be good or bad based on how it is baked. A little too done and you might as well use it to mop of spills on the floor as it'll be like eating a dry sponge. Cooked just right and you have a little bit of nirvana in your mouth later. um.. that didn't come out sounding quite right, but if you've had really good cake you know what I mean.

So this is what your skewers should look like: not wet but a good bit of moist crumb clinging to them. Use a fresh skewer for each cake. Don't want a mis-read.

 
Now on to the tea towel.

See, you take out this cake and it's got this crown on it. Now you could just cut it off to make the layer flat for frosting later so you don't have a cake that looks like a frosted stack of droopy laundry, or, alternately, you could smoosh it down to preserve the mass of the cake, make the crumb a little denser and make the top flat.

Tip 7: Behold, the tea towel: crown smoosher extraordinaire!

Now let the cakes cool in their pans for about 10 minutes to set, then run a slim, straight knife around the sides and invert them out onto the cooling rack to finish cooling.

Tip 8: Put your fully-cooled cakes into the freezer for about 45 minutes to get the crumb a little more set (you can wrap them first, but keep them flat and level regardless). Makes them easier to cut!

Let's make some frosting!

Tip 9: Use only unsalted butter in a recipe so you can control the amount of salt instead of the butter producer.

Here is my simple cream cheese recipe:

• 8 oz. cream cheese
• 4 oz. unsalted butter
• 2 tsp. real vanilla extract
• 1 1/4 lbs. confectioners (powdered) sugar - pure cane is best

1. With a paddle attachment, beat cream cheese and vanilla together until light and whipped. Scrape down bowl.
2. Add unsalted butter and beat again until all lumps are gone. Scrape down the bowl.
3. Add about half of the sifted powdered sugar and, with the mixer on low, incorporate into the cream cheese/butter mixture.
4. With the mixer on low, slowly add the rest of the sugar.
5. When it's all added and mostly mixed in, turn the mixer to medium high for 30 seconds. Scrape down bowl and beat until nice and fluffy.

Let's get to assembly, filling and frosting then:

Allow me to list the tools of the trade from left to right: frosting bags (cloth and disposable plastic) with tips sitting on a cake table (think footed lazy susan), wire cake layer cutter, cake side decorating scraper, wide frosting tip, 10" dinner plate with small offset spatula, flat spreader, large offset spatula, large serrated bread knife. In back: bowl o' frosting goodness with a scoopula in it.

It's time to "torte" the layers. This is just a fancy term for cutting the layers horizontally into even more layers. In this case, I baked two layers and will cut each into two,thus yielding four layers total. This is not a necessary step but does make a really nice cake impression during serving. If you think this is a little too advanced, skip ahead, we'll catch up.

I used two different techniques to split the layers: wire and serrated knife. By the way, I got the wire splitter from IKEA. It came in a kit I highly recommend to anyone who wants an inexpensive and useful beginning decorating kit. It came with the wire cutter, two decorating bags, 4-5 decorting tips with a coupler, and the cake side decorating scraper. It was something ike $5. Seriously. If I got the same stuff in Wilton brand, it'd cost more like $40.

The wire layer splitter is easiest and almost guarantees a perfect cut. Just adjust the wire to the desired layer thickness and gently move it through the cake, sometime employing a sawing technique.

The knife requires the ability to spin the cake for maximum ease and best results. Place the layer on the cake stand, lay the knife horizontally (paralell to the countertop) at the midpoint of the side and gently saw back and forth, keeping the knife level. Simultaneously spin the stand slowly by laying your hand palm down on top of the layer to keep it pinned. You'll only have to saw halfway though since you'll be spinning it and you'll meet the original cut at that point.

Layer split and starting to fill:

Your mission now is to fill the cake and to crumbcoat. A crumbcoat is a thin layer of frosting covering the entire cake that traps the crumbs so they don't show up in your final frost. Yes, you frost  your cake twice, but it will be beautiful and, frankly, the crumbcoat is a quicky job. Throw it in the fridge for 30 minutes, clean up your area and get ready for a little decorating while you wait.

The final product for presentation:

Tip 10: Refrigerate your cake 8-hours or overnight. This allows the layers' crispy exterior to rehydrate back into proper soft and moist cake consistency.

Tip 11: Bring your cake to room temperature before serving. This takes 1-2 hours but improves the flavor impact greatly.

Note: although the cake is easier to cut cold, it tastes better at room temperature. If you don't have to worry about a cutting ceremony, you can cut the pieces early and let them come to room temperature before serving. To keep them from drying out, cover with plastic cling film.

Tip 12: Keep your cake looking pretty during cutting. Use hot water to heat the knife blade and a towel to wipe off the crumbs and frosting stuck to it. Beautiful pieces = happy tasters!

And now, the money shot:

Four layers of red velvety goodness and sweet cream cheese delight!

Hope you enjoyed this lesson on box cake baking. Remember to be clean, be prepared and don't overbake!

Tandoori Night: HOLY F***ING S**** THIS IS THE BEST PAKISTANI RESTAURANT IN THE UNITED STATES

I'll just say this up front... the food was f***ing amazing. Out of this world. Mind blowing. 

I've eaten at maybe 100 Pakistani restaurants all over the world. None of them are better than this one. 

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's talk about the first time I ate at a Pakistani restaurant.

I was working for AIG in Bangkok many years ago, and my aunt showed up at my desk one day before lunch and said "Yod, we go lunch now. You must come with us!"

So my aunt and I gathered up the rest of her friends in the office, skipped the executive dining room and headed down to street level, into the smog and chaos of Bangkok.

When we arrived, my aunt and her three friends told me what they wanted to eat. I shrugged and walked through the cinder blocked building and to the rickety card table that served as the main counter. I started to order in Thai. The Pakistani guy behind the counter had no idea what I was saying. He tried to respond. His Thai was worse than mine.

"Uhh... um... English?" I asked.

He flashed me a grin.

"Cheerio mate, and hello to you, my valued customer!"

WTF?

Now, I've always had a hard time describing this guy's accent every time I tell this story. But I figure if you kidnapped a child from Pakistan, then trained the child to speak English using a combination of East Enders reruns and language lessons from the members of Oasis, the result might sound like this guy.

The meal I had there was phenomenal. Most of the 99 other Pakistani restaurants I've eaten at since then were great too.

But not this great. Not by a long shot. Not by a country mile.

This is their very unassuming storefront next to a sushi buffet.

 

Note their hours. A lot of restaurants close in the afternoon, but none of them explain it honestly like these guys!

 

Now several Yelp reviews of this place mention that everything is cooked from scratch. That the spices are blended in-house. That the owner owns part of a chain of halal meat shops and that's where he sources his ingredients. That this is an offshoot of some phenomenal chain of Pakistani restaurants in the Bay Area.

I believe it. You don't get food to taste this good doing stuff the lazy way.

We started with the sheekh kabob. This is your standard ground beef kabob cooked in a tandoori oven. Except not really. Way more flavor than all the versions I've ever had and topped with fresh herbs and onions.

 

Next came our order of naan. Each piece was about the size of an extra large frisbee, hot, warm, crispy and delicious. There's two pieces in this order but you can't see the second one under the one on top. This was the best $1.00 I've spent in quite a while.

 

This is order of nihari. It's a traditional Pakistani beef stew that is one of their national dishes. The beef is perfectly braised and the flavor of the entire dish is entirely indescribable other than to say it's incredible. Right now would be a good time to mention that these guys are not shy with the spice level--they make it for you just like they would make it for themselves.

 

I thought the nihari was mind blowing... that is, until I had the next dish: their boneless lamb stew. Once again, I'm at a total loss of words for how to describe this to you, other than to say it was amazing and that you should go get some right now.     

 

Witness the impact of two of the most delicious things I've ever put into my mouth: Tandoori Night's naan and their boneless lamb curry (unfortunately this was Jody's bite that I tried and failed to steal).

 
  

Sorry for the complete lack of description in this post, but the food here is seriously, indescribably good. I definitely have to make this statement here:

WHAT IS THIS PLACE DOING IN A ROSEVILLE STRIP MALL???

If you're a fan of tandoori cooked meats or curries, you need to go to Tandoori Night. RIGHT NOW. Don't wait. Just make sure they're open.

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Pasta Village: Roseville's "Steve Approved" Lunch Deal

Meet Steve. He's my REALTOR and he rocks like no REALTOR has ever rocked, ever. I met him through his wife Heather, who you may know as the intrepid @RosevilleRockLn on Twitter. They're super cool folks and probably two of the most hilarious people I know. 

And unlike most of the REALTORs I've dealt with in the past, Steve actually uses email and text.  If you need a house in the Roseville and Rocklin area, definitely give him a call. Just wait for me to get my house first! Check him out at www.RosevilleAndRocklin.com

 

Steve is a hungry guy and reads Chomple to try to find new places to eat. But he has a problem. All of the good meal deals I ever find are the kinds of food he doesn't really like. I find a great cheap sushi buffet (two of them even)... and Steve doesn't like seafood. I find a cool noodle place, but Steve likes clean bathrooms and servers that speak English. 

One day, we were touring a foreclosed house with an especially fragrant and biologically dangerous swimming pool filled with a dark green soup of chemicals and algae. As we started getting dizzy from the fumes, Steve had a question for me.

Steve: Yod, do you ever find any good lunch deals that I would like?

Yod: What's wrong with the ones I've already found?

Steve: I don't like seafood. And I don't care for restaurants where I feel I need Heather to spray me with Lysol after we eat there.

Yod. Hmm... you know, you're right. All of the good deals I find are either seafood or marginally hazardous to your health.

Steve: Well, I'm going to find you a good "Big White Guy" meal deal you can send everyone in town to. Trust me, I know all the good spots.

As my balance started to fail me, I retreated to the interior of the house, which thankfully smelled more like carpet cleaner than tear gas. I wondered what kind of restaurant Steve would find. Where do REALTORs eat anyway? The way I saw it, REALTORs never ate or slept, and perpetually just wandered the world in their large four door sedans. 

A couple months later, the Chomple crew was headed to a Chinese dive down the street from Steve. We arranged to meet up with him there. Thankfully (for Steve) the Chinese dive was closed on Mondays. (this dive will never see a single review here... ever. We ate there the next day and it was horrible).

We called Steve and told him the place was closed. He said no worries, he had the perfect place:

PASTA VILLAGE

So we headed there.

Upon entering, we were confronted by a sign that advertised their lunch box deal. $7.99 was a great price... but what did you get for eight dollars? According to the sign:

-"Small Salad" assembled by them from your choices a la Plutos/Jack's Urban Eats
-Pick a pasta, sauce, and two vegetables
-Pick an appetizer
-Cookie
-Bread
-Drink

All that for eight dollars? We were expecting microscopic portions. 

We were so wrong.

Here is my "small" salad. That plate is a dinner plate, it's not a small bowl. My salad was romaine, black olives, and peas with a spicy peanut dressing. Everything was fresh and flavorful. 

 
 

Actual's "small" salad of spring mix with tomatoes and cucumbers topped with Caesar salad. She loved this salad, and she's really picky about Caesar dressing.

 
 

Saucy's salad of romaine with tomatoes and tortilla strips in a lime and herb dressing. She licked the plate clean (she loves sauce of all types, ya know).

 
 

Here's my main plate. Rigatoni with garlic butter sauce, mushrooms, and black olives. By garlic they meant GARLIC. Deep fried mushrooms with ranch. Slice of bread and a fresh baked chocolate chip cookie. SO GOOD... and it made me full.

 

Actual's bowtie pesto with mushroom and broccoli, side of cheese sticks. She thought this was awesome, I would have thought so as well if I liked pesto, but I don't.

 
 

Saucy opted for penne alfredo with tomatoes and italian sausage. Probably the best of the three.

 
 

Here's Steve with his "small" salad. He's so happy! I guess we've finally found the elusive STEVE APPROVED Roseville meal deal!

 

So, for all of you guys that wanted a great lunch deal free of seafood and unsanitary conditions, here you go, courtesy of super REALTOR Steve Ostrom. He finds great houses and great meals. Maybe I'll have him pick my next pet too.

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Raw Vegan: Day 4

 

That's about all I have to say about it today.

 

CHOMPLE NEEDS YOU: The Chomplespondents Program!

Do you want to be part of the Chomple Army? But of course you do.

Apply for the Chomplespondents program!

Details are below.

What are my responsibilities?

• You will periodically be asked to go out and eat at restaurants around you and take plenty of pictures
• It is your choice whether you want to write your own post, or just send me the pictures and your commentary which I will turn into a post
• If you eat out anywhere or cook something awesome, send us the pictures and details, we'll blog that too (we love food)
• You may be sent to a food event in your general area
• You may get random crazy assignments from Chomple (i.e., go find Gold'n Krisp chips)
• You may be asked to send us various things we can't get in Northern California (you will be compensated for this, don't think we're trying to run some sort of crazy I have a Craving!!! food bank over here)
• You can TURN DOWN any assignment that comes your way. We realize this is all on a volunteer basis and you are all our pals

Wait, so what do I get out of all this?

• Fun, amusement, and great dining (or greatly bad)
• An awesome excuse to eat out
• Your name(s) in lights and the adoration of all of the Chomple readers
• Various gift cards and gift certs sent your way
• Various prizes from the Chomple treasure chest (it's full of fun stuff, trust me)
• A meal and two drinks on us when either party is within 50 miles of each other. That's TWO drinks, one drink never made anyone happy! If you have a spouse or domestic partner they get the same benefit. If the other person is a girlfriend/boyfriend, they may be forced to undergo interrogation to discover whether they really like you

We need Chomplespondents EVERYWHERE, but specifically in the following areas (don't not apply because your locale is not listed):   

Los Angeles, CA
San Francisco, CA
San Jose/Milpitas, CA
Seattle, WA
Portland, ME
Portland, OR
New Orleans, LA
Cincinnati, OH
Durham, NC
Kansas City, MO
Miami, FL
NYC--Restaurants
NYC--Street Food (the two NYC are different assignments)
The part of New Jersey close to NYC

Interested? Email us at chomplespondents@gmail.com

You can put whatever you want in the email, but make sure to include the following information:

• Your name(s)
• The area where you live
• Your mailing address
• What kind of foods you like
• Which food allergies you have
• If you have one, your Paypal info (so we can send you money if necessary, we don't your login info)

We have received a lot of feedback wanting a program like this, so here it is! We can't wait to sign you guys up!

Better Foods Deli: Meet my favorite deli in town.

Better Foods has been my favorite deli in Roseville for quite a while now. The problem is that I break into hives when I go anywhere near the chutes and ladders area of Roseville. 

Luckily I was right down the street looking at a house with Team Orange. I actually considered buying the house solely on the grounds that it was in walking distance of Better Foods Deli.

Better Foods Deli is not a Jewish deli. It's a neighborhood Italian deli with the best Italian pork products you would ever want in a sandwich. These guys use the good stuff. How many delis can you name that actually use Columbus salame products? 

The decor in this place ROCKS. You can tell it's a neighborhood eatery. I know a few people who live around this place and they eat here at least once a week. I would too! CHECK OUT THAT MENU BOARD!!! WIN. With decor like this the sandwich could taste like Olive Garden and I would still love it. Luckily for everyone, their sandwiches are really spectacular.

 
 

The front counter and the back seating area. Check out the awesome wall art and local Norcal sports team memorabilia. 

 

The lines get long really fast. They take time making their awesome sandwiches, so it's totally worth the wait.

 

Our culinary journey starts with deviled eggs. Not too sweat, not too creamy, all dense with yolky goodness and just the right amount of sweet pickle. Almost as good as my future mother-in-law's. ALMOST. 

 

Actual's hot corned beef. Juicy, salty corned beef with lettuce, pickles, mayo, and mustard all on a fresh sourdough roll.  Jewish deli nuts... back off, this is an Italian deli in California. They can do whatever they want with their sandwiches, and the result is damn good. Actual says the fresh roll is especially, wildly, totally, nomlicious.

 

Here's my sammich. Same as Jody's, minus lettuce, plus onions and jack cheese. Oh and I swapped the corned beef with a layer of prosciutto and a layer of toscano salami. This sandwich lasted all of 90 seconds. OM NOM NOM!

 

Now I just need a new job that will hire me an assistant to drive down to downtown Roseville and pick me up some sandwiches from Better Foods. Holy crap this stuff is good. Can't believe I forgot about this place for so long.

     

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Lisa and Dan's Big Ohio Adventure!

Today I was sitting there, eating some potato chips... thinking about all the foods from my hometown and home state that I miss and can't get here.

That's right everyone. Yod craves Ohio food.

Meet the first two members of Chomplespondents: Lisa and Dan. These two are my pals from high school who luckily for me still live in our hometown and can find all of the stuff I have odd cravings for. They are standing in front of my first grocery store which used to be called Acme Click. Their claim to fame was that they were the only store for a long time that actually had filet mignon. Some of these pictures are from another store in town called Fishers Foods. I'd say about 50% of my current BMI began life as stuff sold at Fishers. I refuse to post a picture of Fishers though... they changed their exterior styling and it makes me sad.

The Chomplespondents program will be going into full swing in a few weeks, so be ready!

 
 

Pickled eggs. Deep red pickled eggs (beet juice contributes the color). PICKLED EGGS! I know many people find these things to be completely foul, but these are the nice lightly pickled ones from Fishers. They are also refrigerated which helps them not get too pickled. See those tall containers? I can eat one in one sitting EASY. Well, until the cholesterol takes hold. If you ever find some good Midwestern pickled eggs (versus the sour, rancid Southern ones) please give them a try. They are amazing!

 

Gold'n Krisp potato chips. I'll take these over the other "regional lust" brands of chips (Utz, Tim's, etc) anyday. In fact the only chips I like more than these are Rusty's Island Chips, however, one 2oz bag of Rusty's costs more than that entire bag of Gold'n Krisp pictured here. Note the "Internationally Known" printed on the bag. LOL. Well, I'm Asian. Does that count?

 
 

Probably one of my favorite foods on the planet and definitely on my short list for last meal foods. Trail Bologna is made in Amish country. It's hard to describe. Sort of like a smoked low moisture cotto salami with a finer grind on the spices. It's almost impossible to get outside of Ohio, mail order or otherwise. Last time I was in town I brought back an entire bag of the stuff. 

 

And then this inexplicable display. Ok, while they are individually very delicious, they are GROSS TOGETHER. A SMOKED SAUSAGE DOES NOT GO WITH PICKLED EGGS. Gawd. But maybe they are just trying to capture my business in case I walk in one day. In which case, they are a success.

 

The Chinese food station at Fishers. It wasn't very good back then, so hopefully it has improved. I remember trying every single item there and the only thing I could eat was the fried rice.

 

Speaking of supermarket cuisine... check this out. It's regular supermarket sushi... or is it. I have NEVER seen this here in CA. Cream cheese roll?!!? WTF?!?! Is this for people where California Roll is too much to handle? Maybe... you should just not eat sushi.

 

The best spaghetti sauce on the planet: Mid's. This is the sauce that beat Classico and Prego up in middle school. Crazy megaton tomato flavor. Note that I said spaghetti sauce, not pasta sauce. This stuff belongs on a bed of delicious spaghetti and only spaghetti. If you grew up on this stuff, you're ruined for life. The only sauce that can match Mid's is Rao's, and Rao's costs 10 bucks a jar.

 
   

And now: my favorite processed cold cut. For most people this doesn't mean much, but I have been a lifelong connoisseur of processed meat. This is by far my favorite of the cold cut category. Dutch Loaf is a salty spicy loaf made from a Pennsylvania Dutch recipe. But this isn't any Dutch Loaf. No, this is the stuff from Sugardale, my favorite purveyor of cold cuts on planet Earth. Everything they make from their bacon to their ham is fantastic, but their Dutch Loaf is out of this world. Those of you out there who would never even share a room with a piece of bologna, you have to try this stuff. It's magically coldcutlicious!

 

And lastly, Lisa trying to get bonus points. Lisa! You're already the first Chomplespondent! You're in for life unless I catch you at Olive Garden!

 
  

I'm going RAW VEGAN and DOING HOUSEWORK to help people in need. DONATE NOW!

Ok, this is my final desperate plea for money. Please PLEASE donate money to the cause. It benefits three very worthy causes, my favorite being an organization that throws birthday parties for underprivileged/homeless children. What can beat that?

All donations have to be in by the 10th, so do it now!

Click HERE to donate!

So what's in it for you?

It's simple. At certain cumulative fundraising thresholds, I will abuse myself and my palate for your amusement. Of course, I will blog about the horrible, miserable things I'm doing to myself in the name of charity so you can all share in my misfortune.

Remember, these are all cumulative, so I will do everything on this list that is covered by the total amount of money donated.

$50--California Nightmare

When at least $50 has been donated, I will go to Sakuran Sushi and order a California Roll as my entire meal. I will turn down anything they try to comp me with saying that I'm now a California Roll kind of guy.

Want to see this happen? Click HERE to donate!

$100--The McItalian Job

At this threshold, I will go eat a meal at Olive Garden, not only one of my least favorite restaurants but also a restaurant with which I have serious moral and philosophical issues. I will also NOT order any alcohol, so I will be forced to endure the entire experience while sober.

Want to see this happen? Click HERE to donate!

$150--Starf*cks

When reaching $150, I will open a post on Chomple asking people to specify any ridiculous Starbucks drink that is physically possible to be made for under $20. I will go order it and drink it. If you have the Starbucks iPhone app, you realize how scary this could get.

Want to see this happen? Click HERE to donate!

$200--Diners, Drive Ins, and overpriced crap

I will return to the restaurant that tried to smear me online: Johnny Garlic's. This is one of Guy Fieri's restaurants and the last time I went it was a total disaster. Various members of their staff left grumpy messages on my blog and reported my reviews on Yelp for being inappropriate. As you might guess, I will be returning to the restaurant in a disguise and paying with cash.

Want to see this happen? Click HERE to donate!

$300--That's not food, that's what food eats to become food.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, I will go vegetarian for an entire week. Now, I know some of you are vegetarians and are thinking "Why is this a punishment?" Simple. I'm a meatatarian.

Want to see this happen? Click HERE to donate!

$400--Quit cooking out all the nutrients!

On top of going vegetarian, I will go raw. Nothing cooked above 120 degrees for a week.

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$500--You're secretly a granola chompling hippie! YOU KNOW IT.

When we make it to 500, I will go strict vegan for the week. No animal products whatsoever. 

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$750+-- Let's make Yod miserable while making Girlfriend Actual happy.

On top of everything else, I will attempt to do everything on this list in the same week, which means I will try to get a raw vegan California Roll  (lol, can't wait to see the chefs try that one) and also try to eat a raw vegan meal at Olive Garden and Johnny Garlic's. In addition, I will switch Ebby to organic free-range cat food for a week so that she will be extra grumpy and hate me forever. 

Also I will do ALL of the housework for the week, which will probably equal more housework than I have done since the Browns were in contention for an AFC championship.

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And for your reference and joy, some examples of the faces I may make during these events.

 


 

Weekend at Rudy's

Previous reviews of Rudy's here and here.

We were up in Roseville with Team Orange looking at houses. After heading to Denio's for some fruit, we decided to spend lunch at Rudy's Mexican Gourmet, our favorite Mexican restaurant on Earth.

I'm not usually up here during the weekends so I miss out on their menudo and pozole. I got their Cecilia's Pozole today. It was soooooo good and had the thick hearty broth you can only get by simmering lots of collagen heavy meat. For those of you that aren't used to traditional Mexican food, real pozole is a difficulty 8 out of 10 dish. Depending on who is making it, you could run into pigs feet or other animal parts you are not used to. If you're a burger and fries kind of person, you may want to skip the pozole for something more standard. 

 

Best fish tacos in town right here. Unlike other places that fill their fish tacos with what amounts to crinkled fish sticks, Rudy uses fresh red snapper. The difference is instantly obvious when you bite into these tacos. I have a love hate relationship with red snapper. Red snapper is very delicious when treated nicely and extremely foul when overcooked, cooked at too high of a temperature, or marinated poorly. Unfortunately, most places that serve any type of red snapper dish are guilty of one or more of the red snapper sins. Rudy gets it.

 

This is a torta, or loosely translated, Humongous Mexican Sandwich. This is their ham and egg variety. From top to bottom:

• toasted bread
• tomato
• avocado
• green chile
• queso fresco
• diced ham
• egg omelette with diced ham
• toasted bread

Was it amazing tasting? What do you think? We're at Rudy's!!!

 

Lastly, a big surprise. Pupusas are one of my favorite foods. They are handmade corn cakes stuffed with pounded pork, cheese, veggies, or some combination of all three. This was one of the most amazing pupusas I have ever had.

The surprise is because pupusas are a traditional El Salvadorian food.  I have never had one of these things outside of an El Salvadorian restaurant and those restaurants are hard to find. Turns out a couple of people in Rudy's kitchen have El Salvadorian roots and they decided to put pupusas on the menu. THANK YOU!

This one is their pupusa con chicharrones. Unlike the Mexican meaning of the word (pork rinds) the El Salvadorian version means pork pounded into a mush like consistency.

They play games with their pupusas too. The pupusa itself barely has any salt in it but the sauce is very salty. Eat both at the same time and the combination is perfect. Eat them separately and you'll be shocked at how they've creatively assembled the dish.

The stuff on the left is a picked cabbage slaw. Also great.

This was an absolute steal at under $4.00.

 
 

Some of you still eat at other Mexican places. I don't know what else I can do to convince you to go to Rudy's. Maybe you don't like Mexican food.

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Chinese Pearl Duel: Asian Pearl Sacramento vs. Pearl House

Cosmopolitan Girlfriend and Girlfriend Actual were both craving Chinese food. Utilizing two different Chinese restaurants in our otherwise culinary wasteland of an area, we assembled a Chinese takeout feast worthy of royalty! Err... maybe not royalty. It was definitely worthy of a few bloggers lazing around and playing Rock Band.

We got takeout from two neighborhood favorites: Asian Pearl Sacramento and Pearl House. Both have been previously reviewed here and both are mightily delicious. Asian Pearl Sacramento provided the dim sum buffet and Pearl House provided the entree buffet.

This is our spread. From left to right were the drink buffet, the dim sum buffet, the entree buffet, and the dollar store dessert buffet. Note the Keystone Beer and Shasta root beer which were not worthy of table space.

The drink buffet. The Shasta Cola was mine, and so was the beer. The Blowing Rock High Country Ale is some of the most disgusting beer I have ever had. It tasted like a sour spoiled wheat beer. So either they put the wrong beer in the bottle or it was just plain out rotten. Not a good experience.

The variety pack of ciders was for Cosmo and Actual. Fox Barrel is a traditional cider that actually tastes like apples and because they don't add any extra sugar to it, per bottle is as many calories as a normal beer.

Last but not least, the legendary Pepsi Natural. Pepsi MAXYUCKY is more like it. It tastes like water that was used to rinse out a glass that had normal Pepsi in it. Simply foul.

The dim sum buffet we got from Asian Pearl Sacramento was awesome. Clockwise starting from the left...

Regular pork potstickers. These had an extra thick skin that was perfectly fried. The filling was a little under-seasoned in my opinion, and they forgot to include dipping sauce which left me feeling unfulfilled by this dish.

Deep fried crab rangoons. Better than most. They used a sweeter filling which complemented the wrapper nicely.

Steamed pork buns. Surprisingly, these were the more doughy style that you would typically find in a Filipino restaurant versus the chewier variety that most Chinese places have.

In the grease stained bag is foil wrapped chicken. I have no idea why the bag was so greasy considering the foil wrapped chicken wasn't. Cosmo commented that the foil wrapped chicken was as good as the stuff she used to eat as a kid and hadn't been able to find since.

And then the shumai. Pretty standard tasting.

Entree time!

The box at the top of the picture is Pearl House's sesame beef. This is the craziest and tastiest sesame beef we've ever had. According to the lady I talked to there, they cover the beef in wet lotus flour and then throw them into a super hot wok. The whole thing cooks in a couple minutes and then they sauce it then serve it immediately. The outside of the pieces is crunchy and saucy, the inside is steaming hot and tender. 

To the right of the sesame beef is salt fish chicken fried rice. Take standard chicken fried rice, now instead of getting the salt from soy sauce, use salted dried fish. If you like the flavor of fish, this stuff is magically delicious. If not, steer clear.

At the bottom of the picture is The Phoenix and the Dragon. Or as I call it, the "I can't decide" plate. This combines a fried sweet and sour chicken with a shrimp/veggies in white sauce. Both are very delicious, and the portion you get of each is probably equal to a single full order anywhere else. Again, they are using very hot woks at this place and any of the wok fried meats are the best anywhere. 

Dessert was pretty crappy. Cocoa Pete's are chocolate bars made by the Pete's Wicked Ale guy. Now we know why his products started out for $3 at Whole Foods and are now found at the dollar store. Nobody liked any of the flavors, and the most uttered comment was "strange". 

None of the animals have yet to email me with their reviews of the Lickitty.

Unfortunately, I can't crown a Chinese Pearl champion. They are both good at different things. I think they should do a joint venture.

If you would like to have some great dim sum, check out:

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For some seriously good hot wokked entrees, go here:

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